If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
