Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
