So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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