I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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