so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
