So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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