last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
