i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
