I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
