you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
