even my farts smell like vagina
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
