I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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