Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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