so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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