some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
