I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
