the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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