you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We got so high we made milksteak
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
