I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Everything about him screamed your future.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
