you have to choose: penises or morals?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Of course I have a pirate flag
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
