I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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