The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
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I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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