y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
