I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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