My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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