it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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