Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
