This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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