Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
