I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
