If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
