What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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