I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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