i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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