just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
