You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
