So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
