When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
