i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
