my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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