when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
