My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
