So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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