she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
