I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
