You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
