I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
