You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
