hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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