some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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