I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
