I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
where are you?
Hypothermia
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
