My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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