He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
