Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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