On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
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I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize