I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
