And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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