She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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