Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
