if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
