If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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